Trying to remember why I used to smoke, I took a puff or two and threw the cigarette after.
Then the there it was, the magic of inhaling something dangerous, yet relieving at the same time.
I was able to breathe, have deep sighs. Ironically, I was loving the burnt sensation in my mouth, makes me crave for another puff and another. Then an image of you popped into my head. I wanted to hurt you, so I took another puff and threw cigarette after. I remembered our agreement: “No smoking in and out of the vicinity… We’ll live for 87-91 years. ”
Now, I broke my promise just like how you shattered me into pieces. I needed you most when my father died. You weren’t there. Yes, you’ve given your condolences. But you did not show up. How fool of me to think that you really cared. I thought you take a moratorium from the distance thing that you created given the circumstance. You felt sorry for me, but I did not felt that comfort that I used to feel. I gave the benefit of the doubt, tried to understand that there are reasons for not showing up, and that everything’s for the best. All I needed that time was a friend and you weren’t there. Although it hurt me a lot, I still cannot hate you. And I hate myself for not hating you. I want to get mad, angry, furious even…but I can’t. All I know is that I have to be whole again. I have to stop hating myself and let time heal the wounds. One day, I’ll see you again, these scars will be remind us how we grew from our experiences and how I became the person I am.
So, I lit up another cigarette, took a puff or two and threw the cigarette after.
It was like, you light up my world, made me feel good, got addicted, and was abandoned in the end.